Story Time-Part 2

[lammy]

======"THE TAXI"====

2 Years ago I was laid off from my job as a cashier-I had no choice but to find another job, one that was fast-one that paid better then my last; so I did get a job as a Taxi Driver. Till this day no complaints, people get to where they want to go on time and tip well.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 31;
10:00 PM

Taxiwoman(TX) : Gosh, I hate working this day, so many freaks and weirdos. Look at that weirdo over there dressed up as Jim Carrey and wants a ride. Fine, I'll pick him up.

Man: Thanx, I've been waiting there forever, you would think a man like me would get rides in a second. (laughs)


TX: (laughs) No offense man, but it is Halloween and people think you have a costume on, which by the way I admire the man which you are dressed up as.

Man: (laughs) Say what? I am what my face shows!

TX: (laughs) And where will I be taking you tonight?

Man: I actually have nothing to do today-why don't you take me where you'd like?

TX: (looks back at him) Look-does this taxi say whore am I?

Man: (shocked) Sorry!

TX: (upset) Your meter is running. Please where is your destination?

Man: Can I take you out to dinner?

TX: (whispers to herself) I knew this day would be bad.

Man: So what do you say?

TX: (Opens her door then opens his door and screams) I am not in the mood for a fucker like you to come on my cab and start pissing me off with your insisting on us to do something!

Man: (scared) Wow, chill out-don't you find me attractive?

TX: I find Jim Carrey attractive but you by far are him! (she pulls him out by his hair)

Man: (Yells) Ouch, hey, what the....

TX: (shocked) Holy crap you are really him!?

Man: (combs his hair back in place-sticks his hand out) I am Jim and you are?

TX: (smiling) I'm an idiot-

[xmassmurdere]

that is so hilarious, im iin stitches now

[cotton]

[mav]

That IS funny.

ok, let me try one. Jay Leno and David Letterman meet at the Annual Friendship Day dinner party and are seated next to each other.

Jay : I have George Bush on my show tonight.

David : (laughs hilariously) that's a good one!

Jay : No, I really do. I told him our stand-in was sick and he graciously agreed to fill in.

David : Really. Well, I have Jerry Springer.

Jay : (laughs uproariously) Good luck!

David : (on the defensive) He IS a human, you know, has feelings and deserves some respect.

Jay : Yeah. So does Dubya. He deserves some credit for.... for..... for.....

David : ...going downhill. Yes, I have to admit he looks better doing it than anyone else.

Their dinner over, they get up to leave, but find themselves stuck to their chairs with glue! Who could have done this? They look at each other, and shout "YOU!?"
-

[lammy]

[xmassmurdere]

the glue kind came from no where but was funny

[Canadian Jayne]

Did you here about the guy who got shot in the leg with a BB.
He was taking some pictures at a celebrity thingy and down he went.
I guess the stars are getting pretty pissed off at the Paparazzi!
I wonder who it was???
Anywhoo, I'll think on this one and try something later!

[lammy]

I would get pissed of too if some idiots where filming me or taking pictures of me and getting paid without me signing any documents to release my face to the public-there ought to be a real hard law against this. My personal life is only mine and no one ele has a right to it- They SUCK ASS!

[xmassmurdere]

i was watching TV today and they said something about a papparazzi at britney spear's party or something and the guy went down

[lammy]

Yeah, whatever happened to privacy?

“The Love Connection”

Dick: Welcome to the Love Connection, I’m your host Dick. Tonight we have a special lady who is seeking a man that will make her laugh,cry and love her till ever. Let’s welcome her. Here is Kelly.

(applause)
Kelly walks in and waves to the audience.

Dick: Hi Kelly. (shakes her hand)

Kelly: Hi Dick.

Dick: Have a seat.

Kelly: Thank you!

Dick: So tell me why it is you are on this show?

Kelly:Well, I have been trying my luck at the dating scene and it hasn’t worked out-I’d figured I would try this because the men I have dated have been jerks,immature and suck!

Dick: Well you have came to the right place!

(music plays)

Dick: With us tonight are 3 bachelors who are looking for a sweet woman. Bachelor one is a doctor; bachelor 2 is a pilot and bachelor 3 is an actor.

Kelly: Wow, they all sound interesting.

Dick: Bachelor one say hello to Kelly.

John: Hi Kelly!

Kelly: Hi John!

Dick: Bachelor 2 say hello to Kelly.

Rob: Hey Kelly!

Kelly: Hey Rob!

Dick: Bachelor 3 say hello to Kelly.

Jim: Well hello there sexy mama!

Kelly: Well hello there! (smiles)

Dick: You have 3 questions to ask and when you are done you get to chose who will go home with you. Are you ready?

Kelly: Ready Dick! (smiles) Bachelors, if I had a night gown on what would you do?

John: I’d take it off!

Kelly: Wow not hesitant…bachelor 2?

Rob: I’d take you to my plane and ride you all night!

Kelly: Very sweet bachelor 2 and bachelor 3?

Jim: Gee Kelly- I would dress you back up cause I never had anyone in a night gown in my presence, so I wouldn’t know how I would act.

Kelly: (laughs) You are missing out on some good stuff!

Jim: (laughs) Oh, am I?

Dick: Hey bachelor 3 calm down, wait for the next question!

Jim: (laughs) Sorry, I got a little bit excited there.

(to be continued)-

[lammy]

Dick: As you can see these bachelors are excited to see you. (smiles)

Kelly: No Dick, I think it is only bahcelor 3. (laughs)

In the background yo hear laughter.

Dick: Lets continue, shall we? Ask your next question.

Kelly: Sure Dick. Bachelors if we were on an island what would we do, bachelore 1?

B1: Well, I would bring lots of beer and get you drunk then we would go swimming!

Kelly: (shocked) Okay then- bachelor2?

B2: Bachelor one had too many before the show. (laughs) I would bring my plane and we would relax inside while we looked out the small window at the ocean!

Kelly: Gosh that sounds boring, bachelor 3?

B3: Kelly, I would bring a broken radio and sing to you as if you were listening to it and if you don’t like the station all you have to do is turn my ear and I will sing you a new tune!

Kelly: Wow- that really sounds impressive!

B3: Really-then don’t tuch my nose, because something else will turn on! (laughs)

Kelly: (laughs)

Dick: (laughs) Okay bachelor 3! (laughs again)

(to be continued)

[lammy]

Dick: Okay folks let’s go to a short commercial break, back in 2 and 2!


-----During Commercial break----

Dick: So Kelly are you thinking of who you might pick?

Kelly: It’s a tough one Dick, they all sound so interesting.

(in the background)

Pick me…bachelor1-no, pick me…bachelor2!

(bachelor3 was yelling this to Kelly)

Dick:(laughs)

(music plays)

Dick: Welcome back to the “LOVEEEE CONNECTIOOON”, where future couple meet and get married!

(in the background you heard a snicker)

Dick:Okay Kelly you are down to your last question-ready?

Kelly: Sure am. Bachelors, what do you do in the mornings?

B1: Well, I pray and thank God I am still alive. Then I take a shower and shave.

Kelly: Oh, how sweet! Bachelor2?

B2: I run out of the house and check my plane-then I come back home for the usual routine.

Kelly: (makes a weird face) O-kay! Bachelor3?

B3: (laughs) It’s funny, I thank God in the morning after my usual toilet visits when I see that my bowels are okay! (laughs)

(kelly laughs)

Then I take a very cold shower cause as we all know, we men wake up with a HARD ON! After the shower I go and make myself a hot tea and watch the news in my birthday suit!

(music plays)

Kelly: (laughs)

Dick: Folks don’t go anywhere…

[lammy]

(((COMERCIAL))

Dick: So Kelly do you have any idea who you will pick?

Kelly: Not really!

((Bachelor 3 has gotten up and has given the audience a sign that says the number "3") Kelly was too distracted to notice what was going on.

Dick: Well I think the audience will help.

(......................

Dick: Welcome back folks, glad you didn't go anywhere. So Kelly, who will it be?

Kelly: Is it okay if I ask the audience?

Dick: Sure.

Kelly: Who should I pick guys?

The audience raised their sign that said number "3".

Kelly: Number 3?

Audience: (yells) Yes!

(background) Jim is holding his stomach. The other bachelors where getting themselves ready-fixing themselves for the picking.

Dick: Kelly, who is the lucky man today?

Kelly: It was a really hard choice; they were all good guys! I'll go with the audience-I choose number 3!

(audience claps and whistles) Jim is holding his mouth.

Dick: (shouts) You heard that bachelor 3- you are the winner.

(the audience claps)

The other two bachelors go to Jim and pat him on his back saying "Way to go dude". Jim opened his eyes.

(Kelly is smiling)

Dick: Okay here are the men you didn't choose. Bachelor 1 come on down.

(Kelly shakes his hand)

Dick: Bachelor 2 come on down.

(he gives Kelly a kiss on the cheek)

Dick: And bachelor 3, his name is Jim Carrey, and artist in his proffesion, likes romance....

(Dick pauses)

Dick: Jim Carrey Come on down.

(Everything gets quiet. Jim is slowly coming to meet Kelly holding his stomach and his mouth)

Dick: And here is your dream guy Kelly!

(Jim goes to give Kelly a kiss and throws up on her face. Kelly then throws up too.)

Dick: And this is a match made in heaven.

Kelly looks at Jim and Jim looks at Kelly and start laughing.

(audience laughs)

To be continued....

[Countess Olafina squalor]

How i came up with my imaginary friend Bunyip- i was at school one day and i was lonely because no one would play with me so i imagined up this friend with shape shifting powers his name was Bunyip and he was HUGE! He looks like a cross between a dragon, a rabbit, a cat, and a horse. He is the best imaginary friend ever.

[fluffy]

yeah................and Bunyip likes having sex with Giant hamsters...and they get all oiled up then writhe around in a giant mudbath.except it's chocloate.then the animals start shagging the humans and B4 you know it it's a writhing pulsating pool of sexual lust and filth.............